Tila Tequila Is Probably Not Pregnant

Tila took to Twitter to alert the world (!) that she fell from her chair and bumped her head. How do you fall out of a chair? I can see slipping in the shower, tripping over the cat or even tumbling down the stairs, but falling out of a sitting down position? She must have been stripping naked to her web cam and tipped the chair like last time. Hopefully no tampons were injured in the incident.

Tila kept us posted with updates about nearly dying (possible) brain damage (probable) and miscarrying the "baby" (predictable.) Oh you know... the baby she was magically impregnated with suddenly after her fiance baby oil Heiress Casey Johnson died.

To Tila's defense her PR dude did jump on Twitter (for her) and reported that she had a concussion and would be unable to Twitter for a while, which is like, 20 minutes for Tequila. Shortly following her hospital trip for banging her head she wrote on Twitter that she was now adopting a 2 year old child from Russia. Quick recovery except for the stabbing pains in her uterus and you know what that means.

Here are the Twitter updates:

It hurts so bad I literally woke up from my sleep....i dont know whats wrong? God this pain is too much!! I cant bare it =( a
bout 2 hours ago from web

Something is definitely wrong. The hospital gave me a list of symptoms & this is one of them. They said if I do I need 2 go back 2 hospital
about 2 hours ago from web

God i hope nothing is wrong. Im literally crying right now cuz I can barely move. its like sharp knife stabbing pains thats unbearable =(
about 2 hours ago from web

I told my friend I would just kill myself if anything ever happened....bad....cuz thats the only thing I live & work hard for.
about 2 hours ago from web

Im crying right now. I know there is something wrong. I never felt this much pain there before. I would just die. Please God dont do this.
about 2 hours ago from web

I REFUSE to go to the hospital. I did last time and look what happened? Media EXPLOITS all of my pains and serious accidents. NOT OK
about 2 hours ago from web

If I die at least I will be with my wife. Sometimes I have those thoughts. Sometimes I get mad at her 4 leaving. Sometimes I feel like going
about 2 hours ago from web

...And the next thing you know Tila writes:

ATTENTION EVERYONE! I have been APPROVED to adopt my own baby boy 2-3 years old from RUSSIA!!!! I will be his Mommy by the end of the year!!
31 minutes ago from web

THIS IS 100% CONFIRMED!!!!! I'M GOING TO ADOPT A BABY BOY ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD FROM RUSSIA AND IM GOING TO BE HIS MOMMY! SO HAPPY!!!
15 minutes ago from web

AHHH IM SO HAPPY I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN IN WORDS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW! THEN I WILL SPEND A MONTH IN RUSSIA WITH MY NEW SON 2 BOND WITH HIM!
15 minutes ago from web

What's next for Tila? In my jaded view... a planned miscarriage, more drama and excessive Twittering. What Tila really needs is a nice long stay in a rehab facility. Someone call Dr. Drew I'm sure they have a bed open for the next installment of Celebrity Rehab.