And with that statement, we have officially seen the fist sign of the coming of the Apocalypse.
Michael Bay, he of the Transformers massacre fame, is slowly dismantling one of the most beloved child cartoons of the 90′s. Bay is currently working on a remake of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, scheduled to be released in December of next year, and he’s already making many an enemy with the TMNT loyal.
He was first attacked for announcing that the Turtles are going to be of alien origins, as in they will not be little mutated turtles from earth. This, of course, would pretty much change the very thing the main stars are, Mutant Turtles, and make them into the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtle-like-creatures. You can see why fans did not embrace this news with much applause.
But Bay’s latest announcement is about to send a moon sized pile of turtle sh*t at a Michael Bay shaped fan.
For the new movie, Bay plans on making Donatello (the purple one) a female. We assume that by shooting time he/she will be referred to as Donatella. This has got to be one of the most asinine decisions in the history of the director’s list of senseless choices.
Bay does state that “I know what I’m doing, people are acting like I have never made a movie before(have you, Michael? Have you?). Just because Donatello will be a female doesn’t mean the story will be any different, these are the same Turtles you grew up with. You won’t even notice Donatello being any different. She is still gonna be a computer geek, she is still gonna be all about science, and yes she will still use a bow staff. I mean think about it, a hot geeky turtle chick? “
Say what now?
How in the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers do you think that changing a ninja crew that consists of MMMM to MMMF will in any way, shape, or costume form be the same? How can you state that we “won’t notice Donatello being any different”? If you are planning to make a “hot, geeky turtle chick” and expect your audience not to notice, you are really not giving TMNT fans any credit of knowing anything, ever.
Why even bother changing the sex of Don if we won’t notice it? What the hell is the point, Michael Bay!!?? AAAhhhh!
Let’s take a quick little peak into this new dynamic of MMFM…
Donatello/a will be a sister to these new ‘turtle alien whatevers’, or at least we assume she will, for if in Bay’s world the turtles are not related, well, let’s just say we all know what happens if you pen up there hormonal dudes in close, underground quarters and then throw a “hot, geeky chick” in the mix. You get a train, and not the kind you take your kids onto at the mall.
So we go back to the sibling thing, they’re all related. Donatello/a thus becomes the sister with three over protective brothers who never let her out of the house/sewer; they spend all their time in fights worrying about sis, and they have to mind their p’s & q’s around Donna when they’re all kicking back at the pad. No more locker room talk about April’s shell-less backside, if you get my drift.
Or, Donatello/a is the older sister, and she nags on her younger brothers for all the things they do that are stupid, because remember, she’s going to be a geek, and geeky older sisters are not fun to hang with. This will result in the boys wanting to exclude Donna from their missions, because who wants to go into a fight against Shredder’s crew with your older dweeb sister along for the fight? No one, that’s who. Certainly not the audience. Which means that Splinter will have to tell the boys to respect their sister, and force them to hang out with her. We’ve all seen this happen at some point along in our growing up.
If you wanna make any of the male characters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles world female, Mr. Bay, how about you do it in the genre that is best suited, and always makes the audience giddy, for that sort of creative freedom, porn.
Leave our childhoods be!
UPDATE: Apparently, we jumped the gun on this news. Turns out this was an April Fool’s joke…clearly we were too full of rage to read to the end of the original article. In our defense, based on Bay’s other announcements, we think we were justified in assuming this kind of idiocy could come from the director. Oh well, at least we proved that there are diehard TMNT fans still out there; This article was posted on Reddit and the buzz from such a rumor crashed our server for a couple hours.