"I sunk your planet. Your move."

Battleship, the new blockbuster from Universal Pictures opens today in theaters across the nation.

Most likely, when you hear the title, you picture one of childhood’s staple board games of the same name. It’s the one where you “sink your opponent’s battleship” by calling out letters and number in a game of blind and calculated shots from your own imaginary naval fleet.

But the movie is nothing like the game, and thank god for that. Can you imagine if they had made the film about two naval forces, all manned by blind seamen, blasting their guns in the hopes of sinking the enemy? Actually, that could be quite a good comedy.

We this new release, Slick Panda has decided to throw out some other concepts of classic games we wish we could see brought to life on the big screen for us to ooh at.  So come on big Hollywood studios, who wants a first crack at…

CHINESE CHECKERS 

The story about a group of Chinese Census takers caught in a battle to the death between a corrupt Factory boss who cannot let the Chinese Checker discover what kind of labor he uses in his factory, the Chinese Mob wanting in on the action, a greedy U.S. industrialist wanting to take over the operation, and a corrupt police force with much to lose. In the end, only one side will remain standing, while the others will have been jumped off the board of life.

Starring: Jackie Chan as Census Chow, Jet Li as Henry Hung, and Steven Seagal as Boss Man Ping.

CHUTES(SNAKES) & LADDERS

Two cops, one with corruption in his heart, the other with honor sewn onto his sleeve. Together, they will be forced to uncover the truth of the biggest crime to hit their city. But when Det. Ladders starts to suspect that his partner, Det. Snakes is deliberately bringing the case down, their bond will be cracked, and in the end only one will rise to the top.

Starring: Harvey Keitel as Mason “Snakes” Chutes and Josh Duhamel as Kyle Ladders

SCRABBLE

In a psychiatric institution, in the 1950′s, a young woman is admitted under cover of night. She has a secret, a secret those who have brought her in are desperate to gain. One problem, she only speaks in single letters. Now, a team of three nurses and a young doctor must try to decipher Scrabble’s scrambled code, but what they learn in the end may cost them all their own sanity. The stakes are high, points will be earned.

Starring: Zooey Deschanel as Scrabble, Adam Brody as Dr. Hasbro

CANDY LAND

A magical land of Candy Cane Forests and Gum Drop Mountains. A small group of children find themselves in the possession of a magic deck of cards that transports them through the rainbow world on a quest to find their way out.

Starring: Adam Sandler!! Here’s a quick note on the actual plans to make this into a film:

“On January 31, 2012, it was announced that Columbia Pictures, Happy Madison, and Adam Sandler were in final negotiations to develop the film, with Sandler both starring and co-writing the screenplay with Robert Smigel. ” (source: Wikipedia)

MONOPOLY

He built his empire one piece at a time, from Baltic Avenue to Park Place and the top of Boardwalk. He developed houses, hotels, and took chances on Utilities companies. He’s had it all and he’s had no one to challenge him. Now, a young upstarts threatens to bring his monopoly to a thundering crash, and evict him from his own neighborhood. And others lurk in the dark to fight for the leftovers. An epic story that may leave you feeling there’s no end in sight.

Starring: Bob Hoskins as Top Hat and Ben Foster at The Iron.

Mom's favorite gifts, kisses.

Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful women out there who continue to prolong the existence of the most destructive species this planet… Sorry, I’ve been watching too many Documentaries lately.

In all seriousness, Happy Mothers Day moms!

We all know we should be celebrating your love, patience and selflessness you show us each and every day, but we are all too spoiled to know just how good we have it because you care for us. Thank you, mom, for being so…you.

Now, since our guilt of the neglect we show these saints of our lives will result in millions of gifts given today, Slick Panda has compiled a guide to the Do’s and the Don’t Do’s of Mother’s Day gift giving…

This breakfast in bed moment has literally NEVER happened.

1. DON”T…

Give her the gift of breakfast in bed if you’re past the age of six. Up until then it’s still cute and mom’s love to see your creativity come through. Plus she gets a glimpse into your young mind and sees just what you think she does in the kitchen. But once you hit school age, it becomes an annoyance, because you probably still suck at cooking and have undoubtedly left a major mess for her to clean up. Instead…

DO…

Give her a Gift Certificate for the Spa. If you’re too young to buy one yourself, get the old man to pitch in. A relaxing hour or two at the spa getting massaged and pampered, all without the

All moms love a relaxing facial treatment. Don't be immature, please.

distraction of constant noise from TVs and video games or of unfinished house chores, is much more pleasing than eating burnt toast and under cooked pancakes in the same bed she wakes up in, day in and day out. Give your mom a reprieve from the everyday.

2. DON”T…

Buy her some fancy new kitchen accessory. This gift is basically like saying “Hey, mom, we know your cooking hasn’t ever really been that great, but now it’s just too foul. Here’s a new ‘shiny-mithing’ to help you, since you’ve obviously lost your way.” Unless your mom specifically asks, in writing, that she wants whatever you plan on buying, you’re better off getting her…

DO…

A night out at the best restaurant in your city, town, village. Yes, this may cost you a couple hundred dollars. What’s that? You can’t afford to spend that kind of money on the woman who brought you into this world going through more pain than a 1000 kicks to the groin combined?  Yes you can, the PlayStation/X-Box in your room says otherwise. And don’t go cheap on the wine or dessert.

If your mom knows how to build bombs, you have the best mom, ever.

3. DON”T…

Buy her power tools or electrical equipment. This is not Father’s Day. Buying her anything of this nature just scream “This gift is really for me, because I know you will never use it.” Most moms (there’s always an exception to every rule) do not have the time or care to set up sound systems or figure out the newest high tech gadget. Nor do they ever get the urge to chop firewood or build a dog house. If you want to give her something stimulating and engaging…

Because we all want to be proud of our mom's dancing skills.

DO…

Get her a certificate for Dance classes. No, this does not say that you think she’s a poor terpsichorean, this shows her that you want her to go out and have fun, to have some “me” time. It’s a simple, but staple truth, all woman love to dance, even your mom.

4. DON”T…

Buy her any clothing, of any kind. No sweaters, scarves, slippers, bathrobes, dresses, and absolutely no undergarments of any kind. Even if you’re her daughter, this last one is strictly a no no. She’s your mom and it’s not Valentine’s Day. Buying clothes for anyone is a sure way to either waste their time, because they will have to go and exchange your gift for being to big. Or, worst still, you will crush her self-esteem by getting something too small.

That's the only kind mess you should leave on the floor for her to clean up.

DO…

Take your mom on a Shopping Spree. Yes, this means you will have to spend hours together in a public place and for once you will be the one pulling your wallet out every five minutes to get her something that you “can’t afford right now”. She’s been taking you on shopping sprees since before you were even born, so suck it up and don’t forget to smile all the while.

5. DON”T…

Drop by for five minutes in the evening just before you go out with the boys/girls/whatever, drop off a generic Hallmark card and some roses, kiss her on the cheek and say “Love you, Mom, unconditionally!” You should be doing this every day (not the card and flowers thing), because like her’s, your unconditional love should never be bragged about. It should always be there, thick as thieves, between you two and you should tell her that every day.

Love her everyday, it's all she's ever asked for.

DO…

If you honestly cannot afford to shell out for even a card, don’t worry, your mom will not care. All she really wants is you. Mom’s have this funny thing for their kids called attachment and longing. If you’re at the age where you’re out of her house then you should plan to spend Mother’s Day, the whole thing, with your mom. Cancel all other plans and make some with her. If you still live at home, then ask your mom if she wants to go for a walk, or play a game, or just sit around and talk. Whatever you do, show her you care for her as much as she has cared for you.

Mother’s Day is no more than a day to remind us that we are all here because a woman loved just the possibility of you, that she dedicated her life to making you happen. You is what she has to show for that sacrifice, and she just calls it “my baby”.

"Make it look real or we'll take back the crack!"

We’ve all been single at some point in our lives. Some of you may need to think back to your pre-teen days, you serial daters you, while some of you may be browsing through online dating sites right now, looking at singles profiles as you read this article.

If you do find yourself out there on the “market”, you most likely know very well that the internet is literally regurgitating dating websites by the bucket loads. We’ve all heard of sites like match.com, eharmony, hotornot and plentyofish plus many, many more of the standard “guy seeks girl for friendship/relationship/sex” type sites.

But where would the world wide web be without the creative minds who see a market and realize its potential to cater to very different tastes? If you feel that the above mentioned online dating sites are too broad for your liking, Slick Panda has compiled a list of 11 alternatives, each one providing service to very particular tastes.

Some are great, as they do serve specific demographics that can greatly benefit from the security and anonymity of the net, but others are…well, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Read on and you will see…

Tallmingle.com (site type: The Bad) – “Where Tall Friends And Singles Feel At Home”

This site connects and matches up people of above average height. Personally we do not understand the need for a site such as this. Is it really that difficult for tall people to meet compatible mates? The website states on their home page “ Here, you can interact with like-minded members, talk about relationships, current events, life, and more!” Do tall people have completely atypical views on life and current events from those of regular height? You’re tall! Not from some separate race of humans. Last we checked (we didn’t really check), being tall has never been a negative trait. Supermodels are tall. Athletes in many sports are paid swimming pools of cash for being tall. Tall, Dark & Handsome is THE premier type of male most woman seek out! Stop trying to make a big deal out of a non existent issue.  Be happy you don’t have to use a site like this…

Datingawidower.com (The Good)- “Starting a Relationship With a Man Who’s Starting Over”

You found the love of your life, you got married, and lived a beautiful and happy life together. But whether from an accident, unforeseen medical problem, or simply due to old age, your love has left you alone in this world. You take time to grieve, you reminisce about the great life you’ve shared, and decide to move on. Maybe your kids or other family members urge you to get out there and try to find a new companion to help fill the void. Undoubtedly this can be one of the toughest steps to take in life, and having to open up to each new potential partner could be like picking at a healing wound. With the help of this site you can feel easier, knowing that your past is already known by your date, and you can talk about it or leave it on the site.

Datemysinglekid (The Bad)- “Got a single kid? Now all members can find matches for their single kids,

"My Connor is such a sweet boy. Strongs hands, too." "Mom!!!"

as only they know how. (Nieces, nephews, grandaughters and grandsons are also welcome).”

Nieces, nephews, and grand kids! Seriously? Is there any respectable person over the age of 15 that would want to have a profile on this site? You can find this dating service on the FabOverFifty.com website. The founder of FOF decided she would take it upon herself to match up her son (clearly he’s a winner), and we guess she expanded from there to offer her friends and site members to do the same. We don’t think we need to dwell any more on the sheer lameness of this site. But hey, as long as mommy picks up the tab for the first date, why complain, right?

Theuglybugball.com (The Good) – Real Dating For Real People ” Aren’t you sick of all the lovey dovey dating sites that show perfectly pretty people walking hand in hand on a wind swept beach? We know it never turns out that like – at TUBB we deal in reality. If you are one of the millions of people that don’t always like what they see in the mirror, then this is the place for you!”

Yes, a website for ugly people. Straight in your face and not going to feel sorry for itself, just getting down to business. Ugly people need love too, and they’re the ones (not you Tallsees!) who must go through tons of rejections and uncomfortable situations like showing up on a first date (worst if it’s a blind date) and having the other person instantly makes up their mind about you based on looks alone. This site fills a much needed hole in the social/dating scene, and we salute those who are not afraid to join up and say, “I’m ugly, now who wants to bone?”

Beautifulpeople.com (Bad & Ugly) – “A dating site where existing members hold the key to the door.”

Beautiful people have special poses the rest of us don't, and lions.

This is the closest thing you will find to a site mission statement on the home page of this beyond unbelievable dating site. You will, however, find the word ‘beautiful‘ (or variation of) used a total of eight times. This site is not going to let you forget who uses it, f*cking beautiful people, that’s who! And yes, you have to be “voted in” as being beautiful by the existing members in order to gain access to the site’s profiles. Not being beautiful ourselves, we never realized how difficult it must be for beautiful people to meet other beautiful people in clubs, bars, or while shopping, jogging, walking, sitting on a bench, waiting for a light to change, breathing. Those poor beautiful bastards. (Look, we can overuse the word beautiful, too!)

420dating.com (The Good) – No Site heading.

So, the designers of a site for pot heads did not have the creative energy to include even a one sentence description of what the aim of this dating site is… sounds about right. The site name should be very self explanatory, so if you don’t know what 420 refers to, ask anyone around you right now, seriously. What we like about this site is the fact it’s at least trying to engage stoners in being socially active outside of their couch and video games. Let’s just hope they don’t procreate too much.

Sugardaddie.com (The Bad?) –  ‘Where the classy, attractive and affluent meet.”

There are now numerous amounts of these types of sites that help  special types of women (read: hookers in denial) find special types of men (read: too rich and too busy to give a shit) find each other. Sugardaddie.com state that they are “the first and original Sugar Daddy site. We started it all!” Now, we don’t really see any issue with this site based on morals or necessity, but we do feel it verges on the bad side for one reason. It’s taken all the skill and brains that the gold diggers of days gone by needed to learn in order to score themselves a permanent meal ticket. These sites have taken what was once a time honored profession and cheapened it beyond repair. Gold Digging used to stand for something, damn it!

He thinks she's reaching for his di...nope, just his wallet.

Watch the movie Red State. May change your mind of chasing cougar ass.

Dateacougar.com (The Ugly?) - “Date a Cougar is a dating site dedicated for singles looking to Date Older Beautiful women. This site is the premier cougar dating site for single guys looking to meet a rich older cougar who likes young guys and sex.”

So, here’s the other side of the coin when it comes to people dating (read: sexing) other people for money. Why we think this site verges on ugly (and the multitudes of others like it) is because of this: If women with access to large amounts of disposable income (which they can use on multitudes of beatifying procedures, cosmetics, workout & diet plans) are having troubles finding men willing to sleep with them, then what kind of chances do the rest of us have?

"I'd date a mirror, but medical bills for lacerated genitals are ridiculous!"

Findyourfacemate.com(The Ugly) – “Smarter. Faster. Easier. No long questionnaires. Upload photo, get face matched, find your face mate.”

Listen, if you can’t admit to yourself that you are so narcissistic that you would sign up to a dating site that is no more that a computer program designed to find another you for you to gush over; which takes no other variables into consideration, but has only one goal, to find you a match that is you but of the opposite sex, well, then you should just pray that a site like that comes.. along soon… oh wait. Nevermind, good for you Mr.Ego and Ms.Vanity. As they say, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

Positivedating.com (The  Uber Good) – “Positive Dating offers positive singles a secure and friendly place to be open about their STD.”

The news that one of your family members has died. Finding out you are being cheated on by the love of your life. Getting notice that you are being audited. The doctor telling you that the sweet, young hottie you took home last week, or that the smooth talking guy from the bar last night left more behind on the morning after than just stains on your sheets… these are all examples of some of the more devastating news one can get. Finding out you’ve been ushered into the STD club is not an easy pill to swallow. If you’ve been unfortunate to find yourself in this category, your dating life from that point on can become a slightly uncomfortable endeavour. With Positivedating.com, your dirty shame is probably just as dirty as the person you’re messaging. This is another one of those sites that takes a really hard life situation and eases the burden for it’s members.

Ashleymadison.com (The Bad, The Ugly and The Sleeziest) - “Life is short. Have an affair.”

We won’t even justify this site with a rant or a link. If you want to go to this site, then copy and paste the name yourself, sleaze bag. We will say one thing, though. Premeditated affairs are like anything else premeditated with a negative fallout, remember that.

Translates to: Time for Tequila!

There are plenty of holidays and special occasions throughout the year that give reason to unbridled dancing, drinking and general acts of immaturity. Christmas gives us Rum & ‘Nog, St.Patrick’s Day rivers of Irish Whiskey and green beer, New Years pyramids of Champagne flutes, and Halloween anything that travels well. But no other day of celebration gives us as much excuse to guzzle down gallons of tequila like Cinco De Mayo.

The Latin holiday, that is most often mistakenly labeled as Mexican Independence Day, is actually a celebration of The Battle of Puebla, and it goes a little something like this…

Yet another reason do bag on the French.

In the mid 1800′s,  Mexico owed money to a number of European countries, but in 1861 they went defaulted on their loan and stopped paying, because “Europe is so far away, they won’t bother coming to collect, primo.”  France, however, whose army hadn’t been defeated in 50 years, decided they liked having money rather a lot, so they went over to Mexico’s casa to collect and while they were there, take the country over. French forces were larger, better equipped and better trained and already really annoying.  However, on May 5, 1862, near the city of Puebla, Mexicans armed with pitchforks and limited weaponry won the battle, of Puebla. They drove the French off, those putas… until a year later when the French managed  to take over after all. Still, Cinco de Mayo commemorates that brave and unlikely battle.

Nowadays, Cinco De Mayo is an excuse for American and Mexican gente to raise high their bottles of tequila, smash paper mache animals, dress in sombreros and ponchos, and dance (or attempt) to mariachi and other Latin rhythms.

With only a day to go, Slick Panda is going to help you out, so you can make the best out of your Día De La Batalla De Puebla… Cinco De Mayo if you haven’t caught on yet.

The decorations we are sure will be easy enough to find at any local costume, thrift, or party store. If you can’t find one near you, check out pinataboy.com for help making your own paper mache monster to hit home runs off of.

For an easy poncho, simply grab any old throw blanket, or steal one from your granny, cut a head sized hole in the centre, and presto! Home made poncho.

For a sombrero, get some construction paper, black works best, cut out a hole in the center so that it fits around any baseball cap, and staple or tape it in place. You are now ready to go out and get the staple ingredients of any respectable Cinco De Mayo fiesta.

THE BOOZE! WE MUST HAVE THE BOOZE!

You will most likely go for the staples of Jose Cuervo and/or Corona. But if you are willing to shell out a few extra pesos, and look a little farther than your local corner store or Liquor stop, you may try some of these:

TEQUILAS WORTH THE MORNING AFTER HANGOVER: 

So sexy it almost hurts to drink it, almost.

Don Pilar Tequila Anejo ($35- $70) – “is crafted from 100% Blue Agave which is estate grown in the magical Highlands of Jalisco. Don Jose Pilar Contreras, son of these magical lands, uses unique, artisanal methods to create this fine Tequila.” (94 rating by Tequila.net)

Tequila Marquez de Valencia Resposado ($35- $70) -  ”is a limited production 100% Agave Tequila. With our strict guidelines, only the highest quality ingredients meet our requirements. The beautiful and succulent Tequilana Weber Blue Agave is chosen is based on color, size, age and taste.” (93 rating on Tequila.net)

Claro never looked so caro, but so worth it.

Tequila Don Julio 70 Anejo Claro ($35- $70) - “ is a truly unique product that redefines the Añejo tequila category by embodying the rich, complex flavor of a traditional 100% Agave Añejo in a liquid that is filtered to become a clear spirit. This extraordinary tequila represents another evolution in the tequila category and marks the world’s first clear Añejo, pioneered by Tequila Don Julio.” (91 rating on Tequila.net)

El Caballo Estrella Tequila Anejo($1 – $35!!) -  is 100% Agave and aged in oak whiskey barrels from Europe for over 12 months. (Judge favorite on Tequila.net)

UNA CERVEZA POR FAVOR:

Bud has never looked so classy...

Bud Light Chelada - A chelada is a concoction of beer with Clamato, lime, and salt, and this one comes ready made in a can!

Negra Modelo - This is perhaps the best dark lager brewed in all of the Americas. It’s not very heavy and the full-body taste leaves the mouth clapping for more. It’s rich and not too filling, which even non-dark beer drinkers can enjoy.

Carta Blanca - Incredibly smooth, crisp, and refreshing. Carta Blanca is a beer you don’t prefer too often, and when you do it’s because you want some selection. It’s very light, and if you take too long in drinking it, you might wind up with a flat beer. So drink up!

Victoria - Victoria is a great beer similar to Modelo Especial (not negro)  but slightly more bitter and until recently, it was only available in Mexico. It is now exported to select cities in the States so you ought to feel special if you find them in your area.

"Yes, we will use sex to sell our beer." and we will buy it.

Tecate – Super cheap, tastes good enough ice cold, a better alternative to Corona, Sol or Pacifico… and has a sweet label.

Once you’ve stocked up the the liquids, you will need to get some grub to help absorb even a bit of the poison you’re about to ingest.

Some favorites that will make your party complete…

All veggies, all awesomeness.

Salsa – Throw some Tomatoes, tomato paste, cilantro, red or white onion, salt, pepper, garlic powder and some jalapeno if you fancy the spicy into a blender and give it a whirl.

Guacamole – Avocados, cilantro, paprika, margarita salt, pepper, red onion, lime juice. Chop chop chop or blend blend blend.

For the bigger staple foods, we recommend ordering out if you’ve never made your own enchiladas, tacos, burritos, etc. before. Don’t be a hero, let a pro handle it.

For your music choice, we suggest Viva El Mariachi by Nati Mariachi Los Camperos Cano.

Lastly, make sure you have a safe and secure place to hide everyone’s car keys. This is one party no one should be trying to drive away from.

Don't think you don't look as ridiculous, cause you do.

Viva El Mariachi by Nati Mariachi Los Camperos Cano

Law Suits you might not believe, but should.

Anyone who exchanges funny emails with friends will have at some point got the one about ridiculous lawsuits, people who have sued over bizarre and often incomprehensible things.  Some of these emails give details about court cases so weird it’s unbelievable and so it’s perhaps slightly reassuring that more often than not they are hoaxes or urban legends without much truth behind them.

However, that doesn’t mean that these ridiculous court cases don’t happen, in fact here are three lawsuits going on right now that really stretch the imagination.

Getting your employer to pay you for sex

No, we’re not talking about selling your body in the street in your local red light district; we’re talking about the unnamed Australian woman who sued her employer for compensation after injuring herself on a lamp which she broke during some particularly “hard” sex.

Her justification was that the hook up happened whilst on a business trip, an old friend of hers lived in the area, she gave him a call, one thing lead to another and the two ended up having a night of passion in her company paid for hotel room.

The company has a policy of paying out compensation for injuries that occur during normal activities of a business trip and she successfully argued in court that having sex in a hotel room is as normal as showering, playing cards or brushing your teeth.

Her company is appealing the ruling.

Get a new car at your city’s expense.

Everyone has strong opinions about what our tax money should be used for, and one particular citizen thought that tax money should towards buying him a new car.  How did he attempt to make this happen?  Well, as a city employed truck driver he thought if he crashed his city owned truck into his own car it would be the cities responsibility to replace the car.

The city had a different opinion and refused to pay.  The case went court but it was decided no hearing would be heard as the man was effectively suing himself.

Still unhappy with the decision, the man’s wife is trying to get a court hearing by putting the law suit through herself.  The result remains to be seen.

A man and his trousers

I once thought I was pushing the boat out when I spent $25 on a particularly nice pair of jeans, that was until I heard about Judge Roy L. Pearson Jr. who is trying to claim $54 million for a pair of his own pants that were temporarily lost by his local ‘family run’ dry cleaners.

So what is it that makes these trousers so valuable? Well nothing really but Pearson is claiming for the mental distress the loss of his trousers has caused him, as well as future car rental expenses to allow him to travel on a weekly basis to his next nearest dry cleaners who haven’t lost his trust.

The courts obviously have ruled against Judge Pearson, but in what seems to be a personal vendetta against a small business that made a relatively minor error, Judge Pearson is using his extensive knowledge of the law to make appeal after appeal prolonging the case as long as possible, bankrupting the dry cleaners who can barely afford their legal costs. We have a name for this kind of man:

HUGH GASSDICKBAG.

This article was submitted by Ewan MacDougal on behalf of the personal injury team over at Pannone solicitors.

"I'm worth HOW much!?"

You may have heard that the Edvard Munch painting, The Scream (1895), auctioned at Sotheby’s Sales of Impressionist, Modern and Contemporary Art on 2 May in New York City. The masterpiece is one of four versions created by Munch and the only one that is privately owned. The painting sold for a scream inducing $119,922,500!

You read that correct fellow 99%iles ( We assume that the 1% have their very own special internet and will never visit out site). An, as of yet, unidentified secret buyer forked over close to $120 million real life dollars for a painting.

Slick Panda decided to see what sorts of wonders this mystery auctioneer could have scored himself in place of some century old canvas smothered in paint (because that’s how much we value art).

Here’s a list of a few other things $120 million dollars will secure…

Living large for all to hate at $1oo million.

The Pagani thinks it can fly, and it probably can. $1.3 million

At $14 million, Tatiana will give any man wet dreams.

If you  fancy California, $100 would have bought you this amazing mansion in Los Altos Hill, leaving you enough dough to buy the Pagani Huayra ($1.3 million) which you could drive to the marina to board your brand new mega yacht, the Tatiana per Sempre (approx. $14 million).

You could then sail down the coast to LA with ten to 20 of your closest friends to catch a Lakers game, for which you would probably have court side season’s tickets for you and all your guest ($11,000/person). Afterwards, you’d be able take them out for dinner at Urusawa on Rodeo Drive for some absurdly expensive sushi (bill total at end of night approx. $10,000).

Running total = $115,530,000. Plenty of room left for any incidentals.

Owning a winner makes you a winner.

Your very own piece of the Bahamas for $11 million.

Speaking of the LA Lakers, if you’re a die hard b-ball fan, instead of the Los Altos mansion, you could purchase a 10% stake in the team for around $90 million, based off of Forbes‘ $900 million valuation of the club (Jan.2012). With annual revenues of $208 million, your share would pay for itself within 4 years. In the mean time, you would have some extra millions left lying around to purchase Birds Cay ($11 million) in the Bahamas. After all, you have a yacht to break in.

New current total: $115,000,000, give or take a few hundred grand.

Cave Cay in the Bahamas for living like a boss, $110 million.

Now that's what we call a tricked out Mustang. $2.5 million

But maybe, during your leisurely sails around the Bahamas, you happen to come across Cave Cay, a private island ready built with a landing strip, residence and all the trimmings you’d expect from a private island getaway priced at $110 million. So you’d dump your shares in the Lakers, trade in the Tatiana (sorry old girl) for a Cessna Citation Mustang ($2.55 million) and settle into island life.

New current total: $114,050,000 (you still own the car).

But after a while you’d begin to miss the mainland. Island living has its charms, but the lack of quality dining would have you spending far too much on jet fuel. So you’d sell your island, fly back to real life and head for the sunny coast of Florida, where you would purchase your brand new pad, the Versailles as it’s known, in Windmere, FL for $75 million.

It's almost finished, but you can move in now if you have $75 million.

With the left over change from your sale of Cave Cay, you’d be able to purchase a 10% stake in another sports team, the Tampa Bay Rays, for a modest $32.3 million. You could have your ride shipped out from California, and go shopping for all the fun things that would fill your mansion. After outfitting your 90,000 sq.foot home with the latest toys that money can buy, let’s say for about $2.7 million, you would be left with a cool $10 mil to adorn your walls with various works of art, or perhaps to put away for a rainy day.

New running total: $120,000,000.

Or you could buy one f*cking Edvard Munch painting!

Based on those numbers, it looks like 70% of these lucky slingers are at some point in their careers leading their teams to the promised land. Well, as much as I don’t want to ruin the parade the Colts are already throwing for Andrew Luck , that statistic is very misleading.

Although there have been 14 Super Bowls won by QBs who went first in the draft, those wins are shared by only 6 of the 20 QBs.

"Hey bro, wanna borrow a Super Bowl ring? I have a spare one." - E.M.

That’s right, only 30% of quarterbacks selected first overall have ever won a SB! Take a guess who the last two were…

If you said the Mannings, you are correct, sir!

Payton and his younger brother Eli are the last two,  1st overall picks to hoist up the Lombardi Trophy.

The other 4 quarterbacks that went no.1 and won a Super Bowl are:

Winning like a boss...four times

Terry Bradshaw (1970) with 4 SB rings

Jim Plunkett (1971) with 2 SB rings

John Elway (1983) with 2 SB rings

Troy Aikman (1989) with 3 SB rings

With Payton (1998) 1 SB and Eli (2004) (now with 2 SB rings), that’s 14 folks.

The other QBs selected 1st overall that have not gone on to win the Big Game:

Steve Bartkowski, Jeff George, Vinny Testaverde, Drew Bledsoe, Tim Couch, Michael Vick, David Carr, Carson Palmer, Alex Smith, JaMarcus Russell, Matthew Stafford, Sam Bradford and last year’s no.1 pick Cam Newton.

Ok, now obviously we can’t expect Newton to already have a SB win in his first season and Bradford plays for the Rams so that’s excuse enough. Stafford is probably on his way to making an appearance in the big dance, but if Megatron falls victim to the Madden Curse, say bye bye to that chance for the Lions.

JaMarcus Russell doesn’t deserve to be mentioned as having actually played in the NFL, and David Carr had to deal with an expansion team, so we’ll give him a mulligan, too.

"I totally play football, suuure."

However, Palmer, Smith, and Vick have all had the teams around them to lead into a Super Bowl, but all have fallen short.

Bledsoe got screwed by an injury and a little unknown player you may have heard of, a one Tom “I have 3 SB rings, a super model wife and we are the richest celebrity couple in the world” Brady? Ya, that guy.

But even if you remove Russell, Newton, Bradford, and Stafford, that still makes 6 out of 16. Even if we are really generous and take out Bledsoe as well, 6 out of 15. Ok, we’ll even take out Testaverde and Couch just to be nice and our total number of champion QBs is still only 6 out of 13, still less than half.

Of course, that’s just math, the real indicator of who will eventually go on to win a Super Bowl is time. Only time will tell if Luck and the other 3 quarterbacks who all went no.1 over the last 4 drafts will ever be champs.

But there is one other statistic that should gave the Colts faithful some real hope:

The last two players selected 1st overall from Stanford were… John Elway and Jim Plunkett, both 2 time Super Bowl Champions.

Andrew Luck to the Super Bowl? At least once.

On a side note, Rogert Griffin III is the 5 QB taken 2nd overall in since 1970. If he wins a Super Bowl, he’ll be the first one from this group to do so. Good luck with that, Redskins.

No one is to say the "P" word around me, ever! This is Luck's world now.

Sex, drugs, and Rock & Roll were born in the sixties

In our first article, “What Happened to Music… Elvis to Bruno Mars”, we covered popular music from the 50’s. From Patti Page and Pat Boone, to the immortal Elvis, fifties music recalls memories of youthful romances and first loves.

Into the sixties, Elvis continued in his charming ways, with Billboard topping hits like “Stuck On You”, “It’s Now Or Never”, “Are You Lonesome Tonight”, “Surrender”, “Good Luck Charm” and, after more than seven years of absence from the Billboard’s top spot, he scored another No.1 hit with “Suspicious Minds” in October of 1969.

Music of the fifties era belonged to the solo act, and the hits of the decade showcased that popularity. But the sixties saw a major shift in whom got into the spotlight.  While of the 139 Billboard no. 1 songs in the fifties,  bands, accapella groups or duets accounted for 34 of them (24%), the sixties would become the decade of the band, with 132 of the 218 (60%) singles awarded the top spot on the Billboard going to a duet or group.

The Group act was king in the sixties, and the decade ushered in some of the all time greatest bands.

The Four Seasons were the first sixties group with multiple no. 1 hits, with songs like “Sherry”, “Big Girls Don’t Cry”, “Walk Like a Man” and “Rag Doll”. Other great acts like The Everly Brothers, The Drifters, The Shirelles, The Tokens, The Crystals, The Tornadoes, and The Chiffons, to name a few, all topped the charts in the early sixties.

In 1964, two group acts would rise to the top of the Billboard charts, and forever mark the musical landscape.

The Beatles scored the first of the band’s nineteen Billboard no. 1 singles in February of that year with the hit “I Want To Hold Your Hand”. It stayed there for 7 weeks, and from February 1st to May 8th, The Beatles claimed the top spot on the list with follow up hits “She Loves Me” and “Can’t Buy Me Love”.

Soon, another iconic band would find itself at the top of the music world. With “I Get Around”, The Beach Boys landed their first no. 1 hit. Pet Sounds, their eleventh studio album, released May 16, 1966, would go on to be recognized as one of the most influential records in the history of popular music and one of the best albums of the 1960s.

Pet Sounds was created several months after Brian Wilson had quit touring with the band in order to focus his attention on writing and recording. In it, he wove elaborate layers of vocal harmonies, coupled with sound effects and unconventional instruments such as bicycle bells, buzzing organs, harpsichords, flutes, Electro-Theremin, dog whistles, trains, Hawaiian-sounding string instruments, Coca-Cola cans and barking dogs, along with the more usual keyboards and guitars.

Although it initially failed to reach Gold status, Pet Sounds, a heralding album in the psychedelic rock style, was emulated for its revolutionary use of baroque instrumentation.

The Supremes knew music, and styles.

The sixties were also the era of The Supremes, The Temptations, The Mamas & The Papas, Simon & Garfunkel, Sonny & Cher, and of course The Doors and The Rolling Stones.

The Stones needed music, music needed the Stones

Now, let’s be honest, the Beatles lads were no GQ models. Their looks can be described as pedestrian or quaint at best. The Beach Boys, average joes. And let’s not even go into the looks of The Rolling Stones, who look like the offspring of carnies.

But all of these bands had one thing in common.  People wanted to bang them because they loved their music; they didn’t love their music because they wanted to bang them.

And that is a big difference between those acts and the acts of our era. ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys, O Town? All were commercially successful because of the marketing that was put into their looks, not their musical skills. Don’t get me wrong, they all have musical abilities.  Some, like Justin Timberlake, are very talented, but the majority of their appeal was and is their ability to sell posters and accessories, not records.  There’s a reason why boy bands nowadays have such short shelf lives. Teenage girls get tired of looking at their faces and move on to the next sexy mug.

The bands of the sixties have stayed relevant and popular even now, because they made music their business, not themselves. But the era of ‘peace and free love’ also had its share of amazing solo acts as well.

Chubby Checker, Marvin Gaye, Ray Charles, Diana Ross, Louis Armstrong, Aretha Franklin, Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra all shined in the sixties.

These were all musical giants, who are still revered today for their devotion to making music not just a means to afford luxury and comfort, and to be the next sex symbol, but for making music the premier art form that evoke memory, feeling, and action. No other artistic medium can bring about all those with the same intensity. And in the sixties, war, politics and civil rights would prove just that, as music found itself constantly in the spotlight.

Songs like “Turn, Turn, Turn” written by Pete Seeger and covered by The Byrds. Or “Give Peace A Chance” by a solo John Lennon. And the protest song master, Bob Dylan, with songs like “Masters Of War”, “With God On Our Side” and “Blowin’ In The Wind”, all used their musical talents to say something meaningful, to echo the feelings of the people.

But sixties music also knew how to have fun, as is evident by the popularity of David Seville And The Chipmunks, another showcase of early sixties sound manipulations.

In our next installment, we will take a look at the acts of the fabulous 70’s.

Check out these other great articles by PolaKanadian: What Happened To Music Pt.1, Remake This Movie, How To Become A Casino Host, Make More Money? Start A New Career.

As promised, we continue this week with ‘How to Become a Big Whale Hunter”. Now, it’s not the type of whale hunt you may be thinking of.

We must first start off by stating that, we here at SlickPanda do not support the merciless slaughter of giant animals across the globe, for the sole purpose of sport, ivory, blubber or testicles.  If you are looking for help on becoming a “Great White Hunter” as big game hunters were once referred to back in Africa during colonial times, we suggest speaking to Teddy Roosevelt.  And good luck with that.

This article deals with a big game hunt of a totally different nature, one that involves money, glamour, gambling, and whales. Today we cover the steps on becoming a Las Vegas Whale Hunter…

He bets more on a single roll than we make in a decade.

Steve Cyr. Remember that name, because Steve is the guy who put Casino Hosting on the map and did for hosting what the movie ‘Cocktail’ did for bartenders, what Wall Street did for stockbrokers and what ‘Jerry Maguire’ did for sports agents.”

Becoming the top Casino Host at the Hilton at just 27 years old, Cyr is the premiere authority on how to bring in the top-of-the-food-chain high rollers into his casino to blow millions of dollars at the tables, while having the time of their lives.

He even had to kick Bill Gates out of a suite once because ‘one of my players had come to town. I told Bill “The most I can make from you is $10,000 a night — my guy bets that on his first hand. You can move now or security will be here in an hour.”‘

So, if you wanna be the guy, or gal, who can have Gates thrown to the curb, then follow these easy* steps and watch the whales swim in.

1. SALES IS PARAMOUNT

If you can’t convince your own lady to make you a sandwich and bring you a beer, while you’re sprawled out on the couch watching The Walking Dead, how do you expect to convince a billionaire to gamble millions of dollars away in exchange for a massage and a steak?

A successful Casino Host wanting to land the big whale needs to have the sales skills of an Egyptian door-to-door salesman selling sand. You will be competing for the business of  whales against dozens of other casino hosts, so your game has to be better than Hugh Hefner’s.

Hugh Hefner posing with the girls he's bedded, this year alone.

Start off by doing some telemarketing, like Cyr did (he sold Vitamins, to the deceased!**) After that, get any and all sales experience you can, because once you’re skilled enough to sell air to fish, you will need…

2. THE ART OF HOSPITALITY

So you have to sales down ice cold, but it won’t do you any good if you have the personality of Uncle Fester.

You will need to study Hotel Management and Hospitality, in order to cater to any whims of your guest. They may be rude, insulting

The 'Smile" is covered in the second year of Hotel Management study.

(when they lose their millions), or picky beyond belief. You will need to walk through any of these obstacles like the writers of Lost walked through plot holes, without  hesitation or blinking an eye.

And remember,  a casino is not going to hand over the duties of handling their biggest clients, and their reputation, to a used vacuum salesman; your reputation will become synonymous with that of the casino’s and one of your biggest assents.

Now that you have the education and the sales background, next you’ll need…

3. LEADS & REPUTATION

How many millionaires do you know? If you can count past the fingers on one hand you’re a millionaire yourself or you are lying.

However, like most of us, you probably know none, because millionaires tend to associate with other rich folk, it must be a law somewhere. Luckily, casinos keep detailed records of their big players, and by now you should be working for a casino, or you are not paying attention to the steps.

Using these records you will be able to generate leads of potential whales you want to reel back to the tables at your casino. But make sure that you can deliver on the incentives you promise your fat cat.

For some reason, midget tossing is a top 5 request of millionaire gamblers.

Cyr says, “It took me about a year to land Larry Flynt. I sent him a fruit basket every Monday for six months. We offered him a great deal, the 15,000-square-foot Sky Villa, the largest in Vegas. I finally landed Larry and he is one of my biggest high rollers to this very day.” He adds, “The high rollers care about the deal, the appearance fees, discounts, the Super Bowl tickets, the shopping, they get it all. The mega-suites, palazzos, mansions, villas, bungalows, the food, the booze, the service, they become the kings and queens of the casino. The biggest bet I ever saw was $245,000 in one roll of the dice. Biggest win or loss? $9 million. Biggest tip I ever saw? $100,000, a single chip toke.”

As we mentioned, your reputation will either make or break you as a Casino Host, so make sure you know what you can deliver on, because promising someone Super Bowl Tickets requires…

4. CONNECTIONS & CASH

To land Michael Jordan, Cyr had to ‘pay $15,000 just to enrol in Senior Flight School, Jordan’s annual basketball academy for over-35s.’

Jordan is the ideal whale: Greatest baller of all time, but horrible gambler.

You will need to spend money to make money, and be ready to have a whale take you for a massive loss before you see any profit from them. ‘“Larry’s a real mother-f*#$r but I like him.” When Flynt finally relented, Cyr still didn’t get the massive payday he was hoping for. “He’s very disciplined and he has his own plane so, he flew in on a Friday, won a million playing blackjack and then left,” says the casino host. “It took me two years to get it back, but I did.”’

And remember, your whale is not going to be showing up with a bag full of Benjamins(unless he’s Dan Mahowny). You will be extending the casino’s line of credit to your high roller, so it’s of the upmost importance that you…

5. DO YOU HOMEWORK

As Cyr says, “Leave nothing to chance.”

Before choosing a clients meticulously pore over every last bit of their credit information and casino records. Know their average bet, how long they play and what game they like. Know how successfully they play. If you’ve got one hotel suite left and have to choose between a good and a bad player, you’ll want the loser every time.

Every minute detail has to be taken care of to maximise the casino’s chance of skinning the whale. If the player’s wife is proving a distraction then you better take care of that too. Send her on a $10,000 shopping spree while her husband sheds $250,000 at the blackjack table.

Shopping Sprees: The secret to man's power.

Remember, the gambling world is a cut throat business. Millions of dollars are at stake every DAY! And you will be in essence gambling with the casino’s cash to land your whale. You do not want to be in debt to a casino. You need to have massive balls to stay afloat in this line of work. Dirty tricks are part of your job, like cancelling a whales reservation at a competing casino, and having your limo pick him up and deliver him to your front door.

So what can you expect to earn as a Casino Host?

Your salary won’t be anything to brag about, somewhere between 30k to 60k a year, but the perks of the job are the real payoff.

Wanna go to the Super Bowl in a private jet? Or take a $35,000 trip to Costa Rica with your wife tagging along as well? Your employer, the casino, will shell out for all the expenses if they believe you can land the millionaire who wants those perks.

The reward for making someone lose their child's College fund.

Just be ready to have to collect on those monster losses, which can get pretty hard at times. Some whales gamble more than they can afford, with some having their houses repossessed or even ending up in jail.

You can also check out “How to become an Astronaut”.

*By ‘easy’ we refer to the ease with which we wrote then down. In actuality these steps require hard work and dedication.

**Obviously the deceased cannot buy anything. That we made up.

Other articles by PolaKanadian: What Happened To Music…Elvis To Bruno Mars?, Remake This Movie,