Michael Bay, he of the Transformers massacre fame, is slowly dismantling one of the most beloved child cartoons of the 90′s. Bay is currently working on a remake of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, scheduled to be released in December of next year, and he’s already making many an enemy with the TMNT loyal.

He was first attacked for announcing that the Turtles are going to be of alien origins, as in they will not be little mutated turtles from earth. This, of course, would pretty much change the very thing the main stars are, Mutant Turtles, and make them into the Teenage Alien Ninja Turtle-like-creatures. You can see why fans did not embrace this news with much applause.

"Damn it, Donna, I am not painting your toenails, again! Get a man!"

But Bay’s latest announcement is about to send a moon sized pile of turtle sh*t at a Michael Bay shaped fan.

For the new movie, Bay plans on making Donatello (the purple one) a female. We assume that by shooting time he/she will be referred to as Donatella. This has got to be one of the most asinine decisions in the history of the director’s list of senseless choices.

Bay does state that “I know what I’m doing, people are acting like I have never made a movie before(have you, Michael? Have you?).  Just because Donatello will be a female doesn’t mean the story will be any different, these are the same Turtles you grew up with.  You won’t even notice Donatello being any different.  She is still gonna be a computer geek, she is still gonna be all about science, and yes she will still use a bow staff.  I mean think about it, a hot geeky turtle chick? “

Say what now?

How in the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers do you think that changing a ninja crew that consists of MMMM to MMMF will in any way, shape, or costume form be the same? How can you state that we “won’t notice Donatello being any different”? If you are planning to make a “hot, geeky turtle chick” and expect your audience not to notice, you are really not giving TMNT fans any credit of knowing anything, ever.

Why even bother changing the sex of Don if we won’t notice it? What the hell is the point, Michael Bay!!?? AAAhhhh!

Let’s take a quick little peak into this new dynamic of MMFM…

Donatello/a will be a sister to these new ‘turtle alien whatevers’, or at least we assume she will, for if in Bay’s world the turtles are not related, well, let’s just say we all know what happens if you pen up there hormonal dudes in close, underground quarters and then throw a “hot, geeky chick” in the mix. You get a train, and not the kind you take your kids onto at the mall.

So we go back to the sibling thing, they’re all related. Donatello/a thus becomes the sister with three over protective brothers who never let her out of the house/sewer; they spend all their time in fights worrying about sis, and they have to mind their p’s & q’s around Donna when they’re all kicking back at the pad. No more locker room talk about April’s shell-less backside, if you get my drift.

"I don't think this is what turtle wax means, Splinter."

Or, Donatello/a is the older sister, and she nags on her younger brothers for all the things they do that are stupid, because remember, she’s going to be a geek, and geeky older sisters are not fun to hang with. This will result in the boys wanting to exclude Donna from their missions, because who wants to go into a fight against Shredder’s crew with your older dweeb sister along for the fight? No one, that’s who. Certainly not the audience. Which means that Splinter will have to tell the boys to respect their sister, and force them to hang out with her. We’ve all seen this happen at some point along in our growing up.

If you wanna make any of the male characters from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles world female, Mr. Bay, how about you do it in the genre that is best suited, and always makes the audience giddy, for that sort of creative freedom, porn.

Leave our childhoods be!

UPDATE: Apparently, we jumped the gun on this news. Turns out this was an April Fool’s joke…clearly we were too full of rage to read to the end of the original article. In our defense, based on Bay’s other announcements, we think we were justified in assuming this kind of idiocy could come from the director.  Oh well, at least we proved that there are diehard TMNT fans still out there; This article was posted on Reddit and the buzz from such a  rumor crashed our server for a couple hours.

Movie Cloud: the revolution of film.

When Netflix first came onto the scene, they were told they wouldn’t last. No one though that people would rather wait a couple of days to watch a new release over going to their local video store and picking up a copy that evening. Well, the critics didn’t realize two things. One, the majority of the movie watching public (ie. everyone, ever) is extremely lazy and will take a delivery service over a pick up one any day of the week, and two, Netflix knew it was just a matter of time before online movie rentals were ‘stream’lined.

Thanks to this pioneer, movie rental shops are going out of business, and people have almost no reason to leave the house past working hours. However, the content of these sites can leave some wanting more.

Enter Movie Cloud.

This revolutionary new movie sharing site is promising to give it’s member access to over 50,000 new releases every year! How is this possible? Is there even that many new movies made each year? According to it’s creators, Dov Simens and Derek Christopher, the answer is yes there is.

They point to Hollywood’s monopoly of the film industry as the reason why we, the movie viewing public, only get to see about 200 features a year, because those are the only films Hollywood allows onto the silver screen. The rest they say “never see the light of day, or dark of the theater.”

So they have developed Movie Cloud to not only give movie watchers a mammoth online catalog to choose from, but also a place for those struggling to make their own feature films, to secure funding and production help for their projects.

Movie Cloud says they will be able to offer $175 million in potential production funds to those who use Movie Cloud, to help all the thousands of aspiring movie makers make that leap into the mainstream.

That’s a pretty bold pledge, and one that will surely help build their ranks from all of the above mentioned future Stones, Spielbergs, Scorseses and so forth.

If they can deliver on all they claim their site will provide (and the supposed $270,000 already invested in the development of the site says they are not messing around), then Movie Cloud could become the premier place for movie viewing. If they find a way to build their own theaters, they may very well bring down the beast that is Hollywood.

To check out Movie Cloud, visit www.indiegogo.com/moviecloud

"I'm worth HOW much!?"

You may have heard that the Edvard Munch painting, The Scream (1895), auctioned at Sotheby’s Sales of Impressionist, Modern and Contemporary Art on 2 May in New York City. The masterpiece is one of four versions created by Munch and the only one that is privately owned. The painting sold for a scream inducing $119,922,500!

You read that correct fellow 99%iles ( We assume that the 1% have their very own special internet and will never visit out site). An, as of yet, unidentified secret buyer forked over close to $120 million real life dollars for a painting.

Slick Panda decided to see what sorts of wonders this mystery auctioneer could have scored himself in place of some century old canvas smothered in paint (because that’s how much we value art).

Here’s a list of a few other things $120 million dollars will secure…

Living large for all to hate at $1oo million.

The Pagani thinks it can fly, and it probably can. $1.3 million

At $14 million, Tatiana will give any man wet dreams.

If you  fancy California, $100 would have bought you this amazing mansion in Los Altos Hill, leaving you enough dough to buy the Pagani Huayra ($1.3 million) which you could drive to the marina to board your brand new mega yacht, the Tatiana per Sempre (approx. $14 million).

You could then sail down the coast to LA with ten to 20 of your closest friends to catch a Lakers game, for which you would probably have court side season’s tickets for you and all your guest ($11,000/person). Afterwards, you’d be able take them out for dinner at Urusawa on Rodeo Drive for some absurdly expensive sushi (bill total at end of night approx. $10,000).

Running total = $115,530,000. Plenty of room left for any incidentals.

Owning a winner makes you a winner.

Your very own piece of the Bahamas for $11 million.

Speaking of the LA Lakers, if you’re a die hard b-ball fan, instead of the Los Altos mansion, you could purchase a 10% stake in the team for around $90 million, based off of Forbes‘ $900 million valuation of the club (Jan.2012). With annual revenues of $208 million, your share would pay for itself within 4 years. In the mean time, you would have some extra millions left lying around to purchase Birds Cay ($11 million) in the Bahamas. After all, you have a yacht to break in.

New current total: $115,000,000, give or take a few hundred grand.

Cave Cay in the Bahamas for living like a boss, $110 million.

Now that's what we call a tricked out Mustang. $2.5 million

But maybe, during your leisurely sails around the Bahamas, you happen to come across Cave Cay, a private island ready built with a landing strip, residence and all the trimmings you’d expect from a private island getaway priced at $110 million. So you’d dump your shares in the Lakers, trade in the Tatiana (sorry old girl) for a Cessna Citation Mustang ($2.55 million) and settle into island life.

New current total: $114,050,000 (you still own the car).

But after a while you’d begin to miss the mainland. Island living has its charms, but the lack of quality dining would have you spending far too much on jet fuel. So you’d sell your island, fly back to real life and head for the sunny coast of Florida, where you would purchase your brand new pad, the Versailles as it’s known, in Windmere, FL for $75 million.

It's almost finished, but you can move in now if you have $75 million.

With the left over change from your sale of Cave Cay, you’d be able to purchase a 10% stake in another sports team, the Tampa Bay Rays, for a modest $32.3 million. You could have your ride shipped out from California, and go shopping for all the fun things that would fill your mansion. After outfitting your 90,000 sq.foot home with the latest toys that money can buy, let’s say for about $2.7 million, you would be left with a cool $10 mil to adorn your walls with various works of art, or perhaps to put away for a rainy day.

New running total: $120,000,000.

Or you could buy one f*cking Edvard Munch painting!

21 year-old Valeria Lukyanova is the newest real life manifestation of the most famous blonde of all time, Barbie, and pictures of her posing like the doll in various locales has been making the rounds among gossip sites for weeks now.

Now her pics and videos are getting as much attention for being called fakes and poor Photoshop attempts, as for her likeness to the Mattel doll.

Mattel says that 3 Barbie dolls are sold every second around the world, which leaves little room to wonder why someone would want to emulate a piece of plastic. Barbie’s popularity in every corner of the globe, along with her controversial measurements, has always drawn curtain women to try and become the real life Barbie of many a teenage boy fantasies.

Become the real life Barbie doll has been attempted by many others in the past, but it looks like Ms. Lukyanova is currently the best example of this endeavour. Valeria claims to be all natural, with no plastic surgery and no Photoshopping used to help her look like Barb, but we figured we would let you make your own minds up.

Kate Upton demonstrates the “Cat Daddy”.

directed by Terry Richardson

Ok, you can go take a cold shower now.

Baby, when I said I liked a man with size in his shorts, that's not what I had in mind.

We’ve all seen at least one of these couples while strolling the mall or ‘laxing at the beach. It’s the Out Of His/Her league Couple.

You have the guy that looks like he lost all knowledge of the existence of a gym, but he’s got his sweat soaked forearm draped over some girl that looks like she just won a Maxim’s Hometown Hotties contest.

She used to date Mark Wahlberg, we swear.

Or there’s the more interesting, less common, reverse version. A guy that looks like he could be a stand-in double for Channing Tatum having the back pocket of his jeans (ie. his ass) destroyed by the sausage fingers of his girlfriend, who looks like she decided to buy all her clothes from the “Things I Fit Into When I Was Five” store, or has a face that screams Lady Gaga was here.

It’s always a wonder how these couples came to be. What immense cosmic powers, what brilliant yarns of knowledge were spun, what lavish promises of kingdoms…ok, got a bit ahead of myself there. Basically, it leaves us to ask, WTF could the 2 in that relationship have done to score that 10?

Please don’t hate on me, and say that I’m living in the past or that I wouldn’t know anything about personality, talent, yada yada yada. We have all had this thought at least once in our lives, and if you claim you haven’t, you’re either a fat faced liar, or you are in one of theses relationships, and therefore, must be keeping the secret of the Out-Of-League brotherhood tight. Good for you.

For the sake of fun, and to kill some boredom, Slick Panda has decided to list some of the more famous Out Of Their League Couples (past and present) for your viewing and bewildering pleasure. We left out the obvious ‘gold digger’ couples, because those have easy enough explanations. Enjoy…

Even Jerry is perplexed by his score.

Oh that Cox, always in character.

13. Jerry O’Connell & Rebecca Romijn – Jerry may not be that sore on the eyes, but beside the former Mrs. Stamos, he looks like he’s just there to grab an autograph from one of the world’s all time hottest models.

12. David Arquette & Courtney Cox - It’s like someone forgot to tell Courtney that they had ended filming Scream. She’s just that dedicated to her character development; she knew there was a Scream 4 coming.

11. Bobby Brown & Whitney Houston – One was a  slightly talented musician, the other was probably the greatest vocalist of her generation. One looked like he got hit with a shoe in the face from the age of 3 until forever, the other was a fashion model before she became a world class singing sensation. One dragged the other into living hell. Enough said.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Love must have Ebola to need laughter this much.

10. Richie Sambora & Denis Richards  - Who is Richie Sambora? Oh, I was actually asking you, sorry. Ok, he may be the lead guitarist for Bon Jovi, but that still does not explain how he landed the girl who’s boobs we all dreamed of seeing until that wonderful day… Wild Things.

9. Jamie Kennedy & Jennifer Love Hewitt – We know that guys who can make girls laugh are very attractive in their eyes, but you’re not supposed to make them laugh with your face. C’mon, Jennifer! He’s not THAT funny.

8. Vince Cassel & Monica Bellucci – True, Vince is one bad-ass dude, we love his acting skills. However, Bella Bellucci is pretty much out of every man’s league, with the exception of a George C., Johnny D., or a Brad P. Yes she is, don’t argue!

Proof that talent is...oh, it still bothers us.

He must have cast a spell over her with that stare.

7. Marc Anthony & J. Lo. – This is a fun couple because if we were basing this list on ‘talent’ and not looks, then it would be J. Lo who would be the Out-Of-League’r. But as it stands, Marc himself doesn’t understand how he landed that culo. (oh, look it up yourself, geez)

6. Paul Bettany & Jennifer Connelly – Yet another Jennifer who decided to go slumming, we guess. Not that we don’t like Mr. Bettany. His acting is top shelf. It’s just that his looks are, well, the stuff you drain from the bar rag at the end of the night. And Jennifer is, not.

5. Brian Austin Green & Megan Fox – The only way we can explain it is that Brian is the Ronald to Megan’s Cindy Mancini (for those of you who get that reference, love you!).  Not to mention he hasn’t been relevant for close to 2 decades. It really begs the question: How clueless can one woman really be?

Not Ever.

It must be the touch of ginger in his face sweater.

4. Jermaine Dupri & Janet Jackson – I don’t think much needs to be said of this union. Even though she may be at the tail end of her brilliant career, and her sex appeal is not what it used to be, it still doesn’t justify this. Not ever.

3. Devendra Banhart & Natalie Portman – Ok, this one just makes us mad, and very depressed. Seriously, just f*^#ing look at this!

2. Lyle Lovett & Julia Roberts – It was talked about when it happened, in 1993, and we’ll bring it back now. Lovett was overachieving so hard that during the ceremony, Julia herself asked him “How the sh*t did you lend this?” (citation needed).

1. Macaulay Culkin & Mila Kunis- Macauly Culkin and Mila Kunis. Macaulay, Culkin AND Mila KUNIS! MACAULAY CULKIN AND MILA KUNIS!!!

It literally breaks our hearts...

Check these other great posts by PolaKanadian on Slick Panda: Remake This Movie, Hunger Games Review, Cabin In The Woods Review, Summer Box Office Predictions, Become An Astronaut, Become A Casino Host, When Music Rocked, Elvis To Bruno Mars?, Andrew Luck To The Super Bowl

It’s theatrical success speaks more to the loyalty the readers of the book have for this story, and the popularity the book carries forward to the screen, rather than to the quality of the adaptation.

If you’ve read the Hunger Games book you will know why this simple story is so loved by its audience.  You are instantly pulled into a stark and desperate world in which its characters live, and Suzanne Collins’ writing pulls at her reader’s heart strings with powerful character development and solid story structure.

But watching the movie makes one feel like Hollywood pulled yet another rush job. The movie cuts away the true power of the story, the complexity of the characters and the relationships that connect them, to concentrate on the tone and look of the film (more on that in a moment).  The movie spends most of the time trying to be cool, hoping to capture a broader audience, rather than capture the true mood of the book.

Jennifer Lawrence as Katnis

The Hunger Games is told from the point of view of 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen (starring Jennifer Lawrence), who lives in a post-apocalyptic world in the country of Panem, where the countries of North America once existed. The Capitol, a highly advanced metropolis, holds hegemony over the rest of the nation and its 12 Districts. The Hunger Games are an annual event in which one boy and one girl aged 12 to 18 from each of the 12 districts surrounding the Capitol are selected by lottery to compete in a televised battle to the death, until only one person is left victorious.

It’s a pretty dark subject matter, one that makes you cringe at the thought of a world where a government is so unaccountable to the population that it can subject its citizens to such a brutal practice. It’s not a PG-13 topic. Deliberate child murder and psychological terror by a government is as R rated as a story can get. If the movie had stayed true to the original, it should have been made in the same tone, with the same uncomfortable feeling, and not held back to stay within the PG-13 rating.  Reading about a future where parents are left helpless to save their children, and must watch as they are pitted against one another to fight to their gruesome deaths for the enjoyment of the upper classes, is stomach turning.

But the Hunger Games movie is dolled up, toned down, and simplified to not only appeal to a wider audience, but most of it’s inhumanity is stripped away so as not to offend the movie going public it’s trying to grab.

The characters are simplified, with not enough time spent on their development, which makes it hard to care about them the way you do when you read the book.

Sadly, once you get to the part where the real Hunger Games start, the intensity that you feel as you turn the pages of the book is sorely missed in the live action version.

I asked my movie going partner, who has not read the book, what her take on the movie was.

“It seems that the movie is really simple, like there is a lot that they left out just to save on time or budget, or to keep it kid friendly. You can tell that there’s a lot missing, but obviously they can’t put everything from the book into a movie.”

“But was in entertaining enough for you?” I asked.

“It was ok, not that great. The Cabin In The Woods was better.” (review of that movie coming soon)

Overall, The Hunger Games left this fan hungry.

Movie rating on our scale: MEH!

Scale:

                      EPIC        –  A must see movie that cannot be ignored!

                      GREAT  -  You’ll regret not seeing this, because all your friends will.

                      GOOD     -  You can wait for the DVD, it will be a good rainy night flick.

                      OK             -  Worth a look, but not the end of the world if you skip it.

                      CGIer      –  Go see this on the big screen, because all it’s good for is the CGI.

                      MEH        –  I’ve seen better; kinda choked about the $ I wasted to see this in theaters.

                      BLAH!    –  You need to really, really have nothing better to do; you’ll probably ask for $ back.

Here’s a trailer for the film for your enjoyment. It’s the best part of the film:

Like movies? Check out Remake This Movie on SlickPanda

As promised, we continue this week with ‘How to Become a Big Whale Hunter”. Now, it’s not the type of whale hunt you may be thinking of.

We must first start off by stating that, we here at SlickPanda do not support the merciless slaughter of giant animals across the globe, for the sole purpose of sport, ivory, blubber or testicles.  If you are looking for help on becoming a “Great White Hunter” as big game hunters were once referred to back in Africa during colonial times, we suggest speaking to Teddy Roosevelt.  And good luck with that.

This article deals with a big game hunt of a totally different nature, one that involves money, glamour, gambling, and whales. Today we cover the steps on becoming a Las Vegas Whale Hunter…

He bets more on a single roll than we make in a decade.

Steve Cyr. Remember that name, because Steve is the guy who put Casino Hosting on the map and did for hosting what the movie ‘Cocktail’ did for bartenders, what Wall Street did for stockbrokers and what ‘Jerry Maguire’ did for sports agents.”

Becoming the top Casino Host at the Hilton at just 27 years old, Cyr is the premiere authority on how to bring in the top-of-the-food-chain high rollers into his casino to blow millions of dollars at the tables, while having the time of their lives.

He even had to kick Bill Gates out of a suite once because ‘one of my players had come to town. I told Bill “The most I can make from you is $10,000 a night — my guy bets that on his first hand. You can move now or security will be here in an hour.”‘

So, if you wanna be the guy, or gal, who can have Gates thrown to the curb, then follow these easy* steps and watch the whales swim in.

1. SALES IS PARAMOUNT

If you can’t convince your own lady to make you a sandwich and bring you a beer, while you’re sprawled out on the couch watching The Walking Dead, how do you expect to convince a billionaire to gamble millions of dollars away in exchange for a massage and a steak?

A successful Casino Host wanting to land the big whale needs to have the sales skills of an Egyptian door-to-door salesman selling sand. You will be competing for the business of  whales against dozens of other casino hosts, so your game has to be better than Hugh Hefner’s.

Hugh Hefner posing with the girls he's bedded, this year alone.

Start off by doing some telemarketing, like Cyr did (he sold Vitamins, to the deceased!**) After that, get any and all sales experience you can, because once you’re skilled enough to sell air to fish, you will need…

2. THE ART OF HOSPITALITY

So you have to sales down ice cold, but it won’t do you any good if you have the personality of Uncle Fester.

You will need to study Hotel Management and Hospitality, in order to cater to any whims of your guest. They may be rude, insulting

The 'Smile" is covered in the second year of Hotel Management study.

(when they lose their millions), or picky beyond belief. You will need to walk through any of these obstacles like the writers of Lost walked through plot holes, without  hesitation or blinking an eye.

And remember,  a casino is not going to hand over the duties of handling their biggest clients, and their reputation, to a used vacuum salesman; your reputation will become synonymous with that of the casino’s and one of your biggest assents.

Now that you have the education and the sales background, next you’ll need…

3. LEADS & REPUTATION

How many millionaires do you know? If you can count past the fingers on one hand you’re a millionaire yourself or you are lying.

However, like most of us, you probably know none, because millionaires tend to associate with other rich folk, it must be a law somewhere. Luckily, casinos keep detailed records of their big players, and by now you should be working for a casino, or you are not paying attention to the steps.

Using these records you will be able to generate leads of potential whales you want to reel back to the tables at your casino. But make sure that you can deliver on the incentives you promise your fat cat.

For some reason, midget tossing is a top 5 request of millionaire gamblers.

Cyr says, “It took me about a year to land Larry Flynt. I sent him a fruit basket every Monday for six months. We offered him a great deal, the 15,000-square-foot Sky Villa, the largest in Vegas. I finally landed Larry and he is one of my biggest high rollers to this very day.” He adds, “The high rollers care about the deal, the appearance fees, discounts, the Super Bowl tickets, the shopping, they get it all. The mega-suites, palazzos, mansions, villas, bungalows, the food, the booze, the service, they become the kings and queens of the casino. The biggest bet I ever saw was $245,000 in one roll of the dice. Biggest win or loss? $9 million. Biggest tip I ever saw? $100,000, a single chip toke.”

As we mentioned, your reputation will either make or break you as a Casino Host, so make sure you know what you can deliver on, because promising someone Super Bowl Tickets requires…

4. CONNECTIONS & CASH

To land Michael Jordan, Cyr had to ‘pay $15,000 just to enrol in Senior Flight School, Jordan’s annual basketball academy for over-35s.’

Jordan is the ideal whale: Greatest baller of all time, but horrible gambler.

You will need to spend money to make money, and be ready to have a whale take you for a massive loss before you see any profit from them. ‘“Larry’s a real mother-f*#$r but I like him.” When Flynt finally relented, Cyr still didn’t get the massive payday he was hoping for. “He’s very disciplined and he has his own plane so, he flew in on a Friday, won a million playing blackjack and then left,” says the casino host. “It took me two years to get it back, but I did.”’

And remember, your whale is not going to be showing up with a bag full of Benjamins(unless he’s Dan Mahowny). You will be extending the casino’s line of credit to your high roller, so it’s of the upmost importance that you…

5. DO YOU HOMEWORK

As Cyr says, “Leave nothing to chance.”

Before choosing a clients meticulously pore over every last bit of their credit information and casino records. Know their average bet, how long they play and what game they like. Know how successfully they play. If you’ve got one hotel suite left and have to choose between a good and a bad player, you’ll want the loser every time.

Every minute detail has to be taken care of to maximise the casino’s chance of skinning the whale. If the player’s wife is proving a distraction then you better take care of that too. Send her on a $10,000 shopping spree while her husband sheds $250,000 at the blackjack table.

Shopping Sprees: The secret to man's power.

Remember, the gambling world is a cut throat business. Millions of dollars are at stake every DAY! And you will be in essence gambling with the casino’s cash to land your whale. You do not want to be in debt to a casino. You need to have massive balls to stay afloat in this line of work. Dirty tricks are part of your job, like cancelling a whales reservation at a competing casino, and having your limo pick him up and deliver him to your front door.

So what can you expect to earn as a Casino Host?

Your salary won’t be anything to brag about, somewhere between 30k to 60k a year, but the perks of the job are the real payoff.

Wanna go to the Super Bowl in a private jet? Or take a $35,000 trip to Costa Rica with your wife tagging along as well? Your employer, the casino, will shell out for all the expenses if they believe you can land the millionaire who wants those perks.

The reward for making someone lose their child's College fund.

Just be ready to have to collect on those monster losses, which can get pretty hard at times. Some whales gamble more than they can afford, with some having their houses repossessed or even ending up in jail.

You can also check out “How to become an Astronaut”.

*By ‘easy’ we refer to the ease with which we wrote then down. In actuality these steps require hard work and dedication.

**Obviously the deceased cannot buy anything. That we made up.

Other articles by PolaKanadian: What Happened To Music…Elvis To Bruno Mars?, Remake This Movie,

Here is our wish list of the flicks we watched as kids that we now want to enjoy as bigger kids. In descending order, we start with…

10. BLOODSPORT (1988) – Frank Dukes, an army officer, AWOLs to travel to Hong Kong to enter the Kumite, the ultimate underground martial arts competition. Based on a True Story.

(’88) Jean-Claude Van Damme – Frank Dukes – Jason Statham (’12)

His stare will hard boil eggs in seconds

Donald Gibb – Ray Jackson – Roy Nelson

Leah Ayers – Janice Kent – Brooklyn Decker

Bolo Yueng – Chong Lee – Cung Le

Bonus Forest Whitaker reprises his role as Rawlins.

Before MMA, we all though JCVD was mystical in his fighting abilities. But watching the fight scenes in Bloodsport nowadays just begs for an update. Add in the sex appeal of Statham and Decker and the real life skills of some of the UFC’s best, and a new Bloodsport could be Statham’s best since the first Transporter.

9. GREMLINS (1984) - A boy inadvertently breaks 3 important rules concerning his new pet and unleashes a horde of malevolently mischievous monsters on a small town.

Gizmo suffered from the worst eating disorder in history.

(’84) Zach Galligan – Billy Pelzer – Jamie Bell

Phoebe Cates – Kate Beringer – Emma Roberts

Hoyt Axton – Randall Peltzer – Nick Nolte

Bonus: Corey Feldmen could find a part somewhere.

Just imagine what the scene, where we first see a Mogwai turn into a Gremlin, would look like with the help of CGI. And a remake of a classic seems like a great way to introduce Emma Roberts (Julia’s niece) to the whole world.

8. CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (1977) - After an encounter with UFOs, a line worker feels undeniably drawn to an isolated area in the wilderness where something spectacular is about to happen.

(’77) Richard Dreyfuss – Roy Neary – Edward Norton (’12)

We'd help her rescue her kid from hell if she asked.

Francois Truffaunt – Claude Lecombe – Mathieu Almaric

Melinda Dillon – Jillian Guiler – Ashley Scott

Carey Guffy – Barry Guiler – Maggie E Jones

Edward Norton building a mountain out of mashed potatoes with the kind of intensity we’ve seen in movies like American History X? Norton on screen with the commanding Almaric? And young Maggie Jones switching things up to play little Barry? Yes, I already have my popcorn ready.

7. HONEY, I SHRUNK THE KIDS! (1989) -The scientist father of two teenage boys accidentally shrinks his and two other neighborhood teens to the size of insects. Now the teens must fight diminutive dangers as the father searches for them.

(’89) Rick Moranis – Wayne Szalinski – Rick Moranis

Matt Frewer – Big Russ Thompson – John Malkovich

CGI needs to go to town on this thing, seriously.

We include this entry because, lets be honest, we want to see today’s CGI go to town on the world of the “ant”, plus Rick Moranis needs to come back to the big screen. And any excuse to watch Malkovich do his thing is good for us. The roles of the kids could be filled with any number of young stars. Anyone up for a shrunken Bieber?

6. RUNNING MAN (1987) – A wrongly-convicted man must try to survive a public execution gauntlet staged as a TV game show.

(’87) Arnold, The – Ben Richards – Vin Diesel

Maria C Alonso – Amber Mendez – Sofia Vergara

this role is screeming for Jonah Hill to put the weight back on

Jim Brown – Fireball – Djimon Hounsou

Jesse Ventura – Cpt. Freedom – Arnold, The

Richard Dawson – Damon Killian – Hugh Laurie

With the Hunger Games so hot right now, this would be a great time to re-envision one of the earlier ‘battle to the death without a choice’ pictures. With Total Recall hitting theatre this summer, it’s just a matter of time til another Arnie classic gets a makeover. We’re dying for Diesel to yell out “Hey Christmas tree!”

BONUS ENTRIES: Before we continue onto the top 5 Movies we want to see remade, we would like to throw out one entry that didn’t make the list because it’s not an existing movie (to our or IMDB’s knowledge).

CALVIN & HOBBS has been a long time fave comic of ours, and with the magic that either Dreamworks or Pixar can do, we are demanding that someone brings this classic to the big screen. If done as a live action/animation movie, we can see someone like Davis Cleveland filling the big shoes of Calvin, and Jake Gyllenhaal or Jude Law as the voice of Hobbs.

5. BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY (1985-90) – In 1985, Doc Brown invents time travel; in 1955, Marty McFly accidentally prevents his parents from meeting, putting his own existence at stake.

Ok, we know this entry will result in a lot of angry comments at our audacity to mess with a monster classic like Back To The Future. Hell, we’d be one of the first to write in and bitch, if we weren’t the ones suggesting it. But we love these movies so much that we want to see them again and again, and maybe with a little bit of the 21st century’s magic. It would be next to impossible to recast this thing, but

First dates can be so awkward...

we tried anyway.

(’85) Michael J Fox – Marty McFly – Dave Franco

Christopher Lloyd – Doc Brown – Robert Downey Jr

Lea Thompson – Lorraice Baines - Amanda Peet

Crispin Glover – George McFly – Crispin Glover

Thomas F Wilson – Biff Tannen – Ryan Hurst

Franco has the comic chops and is likeable enough to pull off Marty, and Downey can play crazy as well as anyone. Amanda Peet could pull off being a teen and a mother, and Hurst is big and scary, and hairy. Crispin is an ageless beast and, therefore, could reprise his role as George, and that wicked laugh.

4. THE FLY (1986)- A brilliant but eccentric scientist begins to transform into a giant man/fly hybrid after one of his experiments

She's all ready to be tele-ported, are you?

goes horribly wrong.

(’86) Jeff Goldblum – Seth Brundle – Adrian Brody

Geena Davis – Veronica Quaife – Emmanuelle Chriqui

If there’s anyone we would want to jump naked with into a teleportation device with, its Emmanuelle. Brody’s the type of actor that can pull off a brilliant scientist and grotesque man/fly hybrid all in one role. And the potential for awesome CGI is too good to resist.

3. GHOSTBUSTERS (1984) – Three unemployed parapsychology professors set up shop as a unique ghost removal service.

We know there is talk of a fourth installment in this series, but we would prefer to see a much, much darker remake, or even a prequel of some kind.

Bustin' a lot more than just ghosts...

(’84) Bill Murray – Dr. Peter Venkman – Paul Bettany

Dan Aykroyd – Dr. Raymon Stantz – Karl Urban

Sigourney Weaver – Dana Barrett – Olivia Wilde

2. BEETLEJUICE (1988)- A couple of recently deceased ghosts contract the services of a “bio-exorcist” in order to remove the obnoxious new owners of their house.

Seriously, this role was tailor made for Depp

(’88) Michael Keaton – Beetlejuice – Johnny Depp

Winona Ryder – Lydia Deetz – Hailee Steinfeld

Alec Baldwin – Adam Maitland – Brad Pitt

Geena Davis – Barbra Maitland – Evangeline Lilly

Jeffrey Jones – Charles Deetz – Colin Firth

Catherine O’Hara – Delia Deetz – Famke Janssen

This remake would be much grittier and darker than its older brother. Depp can play any role, ever. Young Hailee showed she can keep her own on screen with big names (Bridges in True Grit). And this would be a great vehicle to finally put Depp & Pitt on screen together. Firth as a douchey assbag, why not?

And MY No.1, most hoped for, wishing to Santa every Christmas for, studied Screenwriting so I can rewrite it myself if need be, would sell my blood to fund this, remake…

1. THE NEVERENDING STORY (1984) – A troubled boy dives into a wondrous fantasy world through the pages of a mysterious book. This single entry is the sole reason for this article ever coming to realization.

A remake of The NeverEnding Story has been on this writer’s mind for so many years, that he sometimes wakes up with cold sweats screaming “Artax!”

We know of no single person in their 20’s and beyond that do not have some memories of this epic flick. Sadly, if you were to watch it now, your adulthood mind will be rather disappointed with the movie’s crappy special effects and somewhat weak plot.

The re-envisioned Story would be geared to a slightly older demographic than the first. An R rating would not be out of the question, but PG 13 would be most likely. And with almost every scene in the new version benefiting immensely from advances in the world of special effects, the 2012 NeverEnding Story would have audiences actually hoping it would never end.

The biggest bonus of remaking this particular flick, and why it lands at no. 1, is that the original cast is completely forgotten. Recasting would be a dream for studios, with those lucky to get cast in the reboot not having to carry the burden of filling the shoes of the old cast.

Bastian, Atreyu, The Childlike Princess. They could all be played by anyone of any age and ethnicity. You could even switch up the sexes. It wouldn’t matter, because the original movie was always about the story itself, not the actors in it.

Here are our choices for a new cast of The NeverEnding Story, but we want to hear from you on who you think would fare best against the Swamp of Sadness.

Chloë Grace Moretz would be the ideal Childlike Princess. She’s got killer acting chops and is beautiful. Easily a princess who could make a young warrior go on a dangerous quest without a weapon.

Rico Rodriguez could easily portray Bastian, a young kid escaping into the world of books to evade bullies.

The biggest role to fill, that of Atreyu would be best played by Charlie Hunnam. His diversity of roles is already impressive, and he can easily become the next big leading man with this adventure. We can already see him riding high on the back of a new-and-improved Falkor…

Ok, looks like someone's already cast this part...

Check out these other great articles by PolaKanadian:  What Happened To Music, How To Make More Money, How To Become A Casino Host.

What Happened To Music?

If you were to ask your grandparents what the most important attribute a person needed to become a successful, chart-topping singer, they would undoubtedly say ‘great vocals’.

But ask that same question to any music executive or the head of any label and they will probably tell you it’s ‘marketability’. Vocal skills are becoming less the necessity and more the bonus when molding a new music star.

The Buggles were more correct than they probably knew themselves when they said “Video Killed the Radio Star”. But it wasn’t so much the radio star that was slowly being destroyed, but rather the vocal star. With the music video creating a whole new showcase for creative design to be pushed onto fans, music switched its singular focus from great music to great performance. Lights, fashion, gimmick and sex appeal stepped in front of tone, key and vocals.  Nowadays, we still have great vocal acts to be heard on the radio and TV, but they are in a very small minority.

Today, the airwaves are filled with the sounds of “products”, single and group acts created for the sole purpose of generating profit.

Let me take you down music’s memory lane, and show you the evolution of the “Music Celeb” through the decades.

Britney Spears should have taken notes from Patti on how to be a class act.

THE 50’S:

Although The Billboard Hot 100 was first published in August of 1958, the early 50’s had it’s share of musical stars.

PATTI PAGE had 4 Top Singles in the early 50’s, with hits like “All My Love”, “The Tennessee Waltz”, “I Went To Your Wedding” and “The Doggie In The Window”. Now yes, Patti was a stone cold hottie, but her voice was perfect. There was no ‘auto-tune’ to make her sound great, she just did.

Pat Boone: Poppin' his collar before it became lame.

PAT BOONE was also what one can consider a handsome lad, and he had the voice to match, routinely melting young hearts with songs like “Don’t Forbid Me”, “April Love” and “Love Letters In The Sand”.

In May of 1956 one young crooner forever changed the image of what a young “rocker” was.

Makes more money from his grave than some countries.

ELVIS PRESLEY dominated the mid to late 50’s with 10 Top Singles! “Heartbreak Hotel”, “Don’t be Cruel”, “Hound Dog”, “Love me Tender” showcased The King’s vocal talents as he sang and sometimes half screamed his famous tunes. But no matter how you sliced it, despite a lot of the attention Elvis got for his gyrating hips, his vocals were unquestionably stellar.

With other notable acts like TONY BENNETT, FRANKIE LAINE, NAT KING COLE, PERRY COMO and SAM COOKE, the 50’s were a perfect example of musical & vocal talent and class.

Check out part 2 of the series, The Sixties, When Music Rocked.

Also, check out these other great articles by PolaKanadian: Remake This Movie, How To Become An Astronaut, How To Become A Casino Host